Vampires are Stupid.

I've argued this before...on Facebook all the time. I'm not here to whine about sparkles....
Vampires are just stupid. And their mythology is foggy. It seems to change with each new tale.
What are they exactly? Is it contagious, is it deadly, can they read minds, fly, change form? What can they do? What can't they do? Who cares?
And... my favorite, why are they always pretty to look at? Of all the monsters, they seem to be the most monstrous--even the Count himself.
Why are they always nobility? Ain't they any backwoods vampires? They could noodle for catfish and drink their blood.
And the hygiene thing, their bodies have perfect memory. Every hair in place, every tooth polished and straight, not a blemish! So many tuxedos.
Why no mirrors? and WHY GARLIC? Of all the things in the world... garlic?

With the sole food source being blood, how come they don't get STD's? That'd be some shit, right?
Aren't there diseases caused by too much iron? And don't they need some roughage to push all that colon-clogging iron through? And what happens if they slip up and eat a jolly rancher or a mint for that goat breath?

Women swoon over vampires in Anne Rice's books, the Sookie Chronicles, and yes, Twilight... even let their teenage daughters get all gushy about it. Is that healthy?
Here honey, I know this is super-unrealistic and romantic in a necro sort of way, but...

If vampires were real, even in a TrueBlood sense of the word, would you let your kid date one because of affirmative action or because vampires are people too?

What have I missed? Bring the discussion... I'd love to talk about it.

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