Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Zombies are Stupid

I don’t just mean the zombie creature is ignorant, slow and motivated only by the smell of living food… I mean the whole concept is dumb. Lots would disagree, and to them I ask: What is so scary?
Is the thought that someone might come back from the grave creepy? A little. But once you get used to the idea, it’s not so bad. Here’s the main spot where movies miss the point.
Scenario #1:  Herds of the undead walk along, rotting and moaning in the baking August sun.
Take note: Herds, that means a lot, a huge cluster of them. Rotting in the baking August sun—they stink. A big group of living people would stink if they trekked across Georgia in the August heat, now let’s slash open their guts, fill them with maggots and rot them until they’re green.  Ick.  Moaning. Noise, loud, not to mention they aren’t the most agile things, bumping stuff, knocking things over. Got it?
Now, scenario #2 (same film, sometime later):  a living person is surprised by the suddenly stealthy herd of moving stench and gets eaten in a scene of nasty disgustingness.
Okay, when did they quiet down? Is the living person deaf? And how are zombies always downwind? You ever walk by some roadkill or drive by a bloated, fly infested deer on the side of the highway with your windows down? Multiply that by a couple hundred people. You’d smell that, right? I figure it wouldn’t get you salivating unless you were about to puke.
Also, if you’re a shambling zombie and all I have to do is out walk you until you rot to pieces, or in one very popular TV show, drive a screwdriver into your brain… Let’s think about that for a minute—how many skulls do you think you could drive a screwdriver into with one strike? I’d like to see Mythbusters tackle that one. Especially when there’s three or four walkers coming after Adam, Jamie, Cary, Grant and Tory.
Purists will say, “But it’s the sheer numbers. The hopelessness as they close in on you.” Whatever. Can they swim? (I know, there’s that one movie)  Get a boat and head out.
Then there’s the fast zombies… Of course some of the more famous films about “fast” zombies aren’t zombies at all, but demons (REC) or the infected (28 Days/Weeks Later). That infection thing is creepy… some form of swine flu or mad cow that makes us crave raw meat and causes aggression and lack of fear… That’s creepy, but still.
And why is it always a comet or a government experiment gone wrong? Couldn’t it be more of a Batman (Tim Burton’s version) approach? The combination of Axe body spray, a Venti coffee from Starbucks, some RedBull and sending a text from your iPhone would be just as arbitrary.
If you’re gonna go with zombie, please—use the voodoo version a la Serpent and the Rainbow. Hit the rest with some Fabreze.
I know this is tongue in cheek, and might irritate some folks, but as a huge horror fan, I will never get the zombie film. I’m really just looking for discussion.


  1. Dan, what if we're the zombies being used as fodder by the corporations who work us into the grave while feasting on our bones. I love zombies because they are us as we stumble about trying to find the escape hatch. Always enjoy your posts:)

  2. We ARE those zombies. And I totally respect your love of zombies, Marie--and anyone else's. It's like liver and onions or anchovies on a pizza... Some folks like it, other's? Not their thing.
    We are the Walking Dead... I get that. Actually, I get that personal electronic devices, tablets, smart phones, and tiny computers are making us zombies--info addicts, but the wrong kind of info. How much social-media do we need? And is it really social? Or is it a virtual world that keeps us away from the real world? Social media makes us less social and more boxed in, staring at a screen hoping for someone to respond, hoping for something interesting, and in the absence of interesting, we'll grab on to the mundane with all our might until something else flashes across the screen. I'd give up on social media altogether, but it seems to be the place where everyone is all the time. Especially the younger folks.
    But that's a different rant. I just don't get the idea that zombies are scary, or what the huge attraction is to them.

    I'm thinking about making this a series of blog rants. Next up? Vampires are stupid.

  3. The only thing about zombies that scare me is their stench. Ewwwwww! Wait...what about zombies in cold climates? They might not stink as bad.

  4. Cold would allow them to sneak up and get closer before you smelled them...but there's still the moaning issue. They moan constantly, unless of course it's convenient to be quiet for a jump scare.
    How do zombies walk with rotten muscles, I wonder?

  5. Maybe they're moaning because of their fetid stench? You know it's bad when you can't stand yourself. That was me yesterday after working outside all day. *shudder* At least I could shower and smell good again. Good question about the rotten muscles. Maybe it's all about the human will to keep going. Or as Dorie said, 'Just keep swimming.'