(I'd like to thank Johanna for being my guest today. I hope for all our sakes that the following is fiction. Click the title to follow her on Twitter!--Dan)
Dear whoever’s reading this,
You probably have no idea who I am and why I’m writing to you today. You maybe wonder whether I lost my mind, and I’m looking to “get my ass kicked” by you, or by one of your fellows, because it’ll teach me a good lesson. I hope it’s not too presumptuous in wanting to be friends. Yes, I would like for us to establish a friendly relationship. Why? Well, I’ll tell you why.
For many years I lived under a fake identity. I pretended to be like everybody else, really, I was totally boring. I went to work like everybody, I bought groceries like everybody, I was polite and respectful, I even took out the trash every evening… because that was what I was supposed to do, right?
You know… I learned many things during the few years I discovered my true self, and it changed the whole picture. I saw the world with new eyes, and it excited me, it actually drove me insane to be honest. I rejected my feelings at the beginning… of course, that was totally normal, given the circumstances. I mean, how did you feel the first time you realized you liked to do that to people? Exactly. Well at least, you didn’t feel guilty, which is a plus in my playbook. It gives so many opportunities to just let go of all the stress, without worrying about the consequences…
I… am normal you know. I enjoy what I do. There’s nothing better than this…. Such a beautiful gift. I live away from everybody now… Hahaha. No, I don’t. I actually live in the most populated area I could find. New York City is an exquisite playground, you should try it sometime. It’s really easy to deceive people into believing I’m such a nice and helpful neighbor. Nobody knows…. No…. I like to have little secrets…. They’re mine…. forever. I don’t even need a photo album. I can remember each of them so vividly… Ah…. Let me contemplate this for a second…. Yes. That’s right. Perfect.
I know how you feel, deep inside. I know about the anger. It’s very slight at first, but then it grows, like a big tornado, and it sweeps everything away so quickly…. I like my anger. You want to know how I started? This I must tell you because it really is fascinating.
I was dating this girl, you see, and she was a bit annoying. Always nagging me, asking me to do things with such an irritating tone of voice, oh…. But I didn’t let her get to me that easily, no… I waited. It didn’t take very long for her to become a real bitch, she wasn’t that shrewd to begin with… So…. I bought this very nice hair dryer as a birthday present for her… and she threw it in my face, she said I had no interest in her anymore… She wanted to leave me… That felt funny when she said that. Anyway, I let her talk, and once she was done, I looked at her, and I smiled. She slapped me, asking me why I smirked like an “insensitive moron”. I responded that she needed to take a bath… She was dirty. I’d massage her shoulders and wash her hair. She… thought I was weird but she agreed after I smiled some more. And off to the bathtub she went…. I took my time, you know. I never like to rush things… She smelt so sweet, it was a pure delight. She even forgot about the whole argument. When I asked her to dress herself, she went to the bedroom, and I started cleaning the bathroom. I was very meticulous. Then I told her I’d dry her hair, and she looked very surprised, but she complied. Women are so…. Easy to manipulate. I never lost my temper, no, I stayed very calm. She didn’t seem nervous at all. It all went fine. I made her sit on a stool, and I proceeded to switch on the hair dryer… It made a lot of noise, it was hard to hear her speak. But she had nothing interesting to say, so I nodded without listening. She… was smiling. I kept staring at her reflection in the bathroom mirror. She acted like a little girl, so vulnerable... I really took my time… I wanted her to look perfect. Her hair was gorgeous, by the way… I… watched her sitting there. So…. Lovely. Really, she was. That was when I knew the moment was right. As I finished with my masterpiece, she had stopped talking. She actually remained very silent… Haha that felt so good, not to hear her fucking voice anymore! I was proud. I was so proud of my work. There was nothing to see but a beautiful baby doll…. So beautiful…. I put a scarf around her neck to hide that hideous cord mark, and then I moved her to a chair in the living room. She looked stunning. All dressed up, with her hair done, and this smile, this smile that never left her face. Ah….. what a memory.
Anyway…. That anger… I think it’s my best friend, you know… So…. I’m like you. We should exchange personal information if you come across that letter, I’d love to hear your impressions…. You must have so many ideas too…
So wonderful isn’t it? This sense of peace after a good hunt…. There’s really nothing like it.
Well… I’ll be on my way now. Let’s chat later, if you’re interested, of course. Who knows, maybe you live in my neighborhood… We could always grab a drink sometime…
Cheers my future friend. And… be safe. It’s quite a jungle out there.
The boy next door