Sunday, August 8, 2010

Caterpillar into chrysalis (or pupae) and then....

Some days I feel like it. 37 was ancient 20 years ago... Now it's like this awkward place... almost like puberty again. I'm writing. Something I never pictured. Even have a book published--which is cool, even if it's only sold three copies :)

It’s like looking in a window where you recognize everyone who is laughing, but you can’t hear the joke… And you stand there telling yourself that it’s probably not funny anyway, so screw them. It’s a juncture in life when you look at the people you think are your peers… and then in the mirror you see who you are. People my age look older. They are the ones I used to make fun of behind their backs. The 30 something’s that are trying to cement their own identities while juggling kids and a spouse and a budding career that they just woke up to find one morning.
I don’t belong with these people do I? Shouldn’t I be with the cool kids by now? These are the same goof balls I grew up with, but now they’re a little grey, a little bald, a little swollen, and complaining about taxes, government and bad backs, knees, eyes.

I will agree that when I’m alone and brushing my teeth, I still get the urge to put q-tips up my nose and in my ears like Lane Meyer…If you don’t know what movie I’m talking about, you didn’t live through the 80’s.
Sometimes I even make fart noises if I think no one is around. If I’m lucky, the kids hear and say “Gross Daddy” and then giggle…

It’s a confusing time.
I wouldn’t call it a crisis really, it’s just a point where I’m starting to feel like it’s my last chance to be who I wanted to be while realizing that I’m not sure who that is.
I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. I’m not sure I want to choose. It seems narrow minded.
My dreams have faded somewhat and are getting more and more distant. Don’t misunderstand though, I don’t feel at all like I’m settling to be a good husband and father… it’s just so very different than what I thought I wanted 20 years ago. And yet, not different at all.

So I pay my bills because no one else will, and I obey traffic laws (most of the time)… Inside my soul I’m 18 with 19 years experience…
And I have new dreams.

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